Kiki’s Hellraising Experience

With the impending arrival of Cold Sake Jr., I’ve started to experience some nightly discomfort. It starts with a tingling in my leg and ends with watching Last Call with Carson Daly in a fit of insomnia. Bad right? As much of Western medicine is off limits to me in my current situation, I decided to kick my crunchiness up a notch, and go all east up in here, from neti pot to needles. That’s right, I jumped into acupuncture wit both feet. First of all, the neighborhood made it unavoidable. The acupuncture is situated between my maternal yoga class and a Whole Foods (where I bought the damn neti pot). So, I think they used super strong magnets to kidnap me and get me there. Inside, it seems like it’s on the up and up – no dead chickens hanging from the ceiling or anything. Just a skylight and some very sterile looking procedure rooms. So, I met with my acupuncturist, Jason. He was not wearing a turban – he was actually dressed like a lawyer. We went over my issues (the fact that it feels like someone is stabbing me in my leg every night with a million knives). We decided Cold Sake Jr. has his or her little bum on a nerve. The remedy for such seems to be around thirty needles from my toe to my thigh. The first time I went, it was pretty conservative, completely painless, and left one tiny blue bruise on my thigh. The tingling got a little milder, but did not disappear (which is what I was expecting as acupuncture is not an instant fix). The next time I went, we decided to get more aggressive and go apeshit with twice as many needles. He even put one in each wrist for some lingering nausea. He left me alone to chill out to some classical music (sitting in a chair with no pants, since preggies can’t lie on their back). I was afraid I would bump a needle and drive it into a vital leg organ, but it seemed to be fine. Looking down I couldn’t help but laugh, because my leg bore a close resemblance to this guy (see photo). After a half hour, Jason returned, removed the needles, and he proposed I stick some tiny ball bearings decals in my ears for the “microsystem” that controls my thigh. He said it would prolong the treatment and despite what I feared, no one had ever lost a sticker down the ear canal. It looks like a fancy piercing from the planet Vulcan, but it seems to be working. I have a few more bruises, but I’ve had many nights of good sleep, so it’s worth it. I go back tomorrow, so we’ll see how it goes. Who knows? It could be the placebo affect or maybe the baby realized that Carson Daly isn’t that good and it’s not worth waking me up for. There will be plenty of time for overnight TV next year kid, trust me.