Schadenfreude

If any of you have seen Avenue Q, you will be familiar with this term that mean “taking joy in the trouble of others.” I stand before you to admit it --I am guilty. I have only come to realize my faults by watching the behavior of the kids on the Real World. Lacey on RW Austin is guilty of it to. She is what is know as a “pot-stirrer.” She sets bad things in motion with her roomies, such as turning Rachel’s boyfriend against her (necessary, but evil) and then she sits back and watches it all go down. Justin on RW Hawaii was classic at this move – he somehow got Amaya and Colin up in each others grill in India by telling each one a lie the other “said” and then he watched them go at it. I find this method usually stems from a bored real-worlder who believes they are better than the rest and do this for their own entertainment. Well, I have realized that I do this at work too (because I think I’m better than everyone and I want to amuse myself – kidding). It usually occurs when two or more of my colleagues are engaged in a discussion and they arrive at either a misunderstanding or an erroneous conclusion. Instead of correcting the error and moving right ahead, I usually let them spin their wheels or duke it out, purely for sport. Then I laugh in my head at what a bunch of idiots they all are. I know it’s sick, but it’s better than sitting by yourself at your desk, right?

Too Old for MTV

I think I’m getting to old to watch MTV. I know, it’s sad. I’m only 30, I vowed to watch it forever and someday be a cool mom, but I think they are kicking me out of the demographic with both feet. I think I’m becoming a lame mom (without kids yet) based on my reactions to the recent line-up:
My Super Sweet Sixteen – instead of coveting the party, I think how I would kill my kid if they ever pulled that shit.
The Real World – all they do is drink and hook up (and I’m not even sure what that term means – is it sex? first base? Stop, you’re both right?) All I can’t think is all the STD’s they must be getting and liver damage they are causing. And really, how hard is it to get to your job for noon?
The 70’s House – These kids have never heard of Jimmie Walker and turn their noses up at Cheez Whiz? Even when I was a teen in the early 90’s, I still had a basic knowledge of the 50’s and 60’s. Stupid children.
Miss Seventeen – Yeah, don’t really care. It’s like a catty The Apprentice.

The only good show, sadly, is Laguna Beach . Dynasty wasn’t even this scandalous. This is now more interesting than The OC. Kristen's hooking up with Stephen, who’s hooking up with L.C., who’s hooking up with Jason, who’s hooking up with Jessica and Alex. When do those kids find time to do their homework?

I think I’ll need to switch over to VH1 instead, you know, Celebreality, Best Week Ever. They deal with issues like commitment (My Fair Brady), rehab (Breaking Bonaduce), and parenting (Hogan Knows Best) – things an old fart like myself can relate to.

Further Evidence of the Rapture

Now I’m starting to get freaked out . . .I keep finding more and more articles online about religious wackos ruling the world (or at least this country). See below for more freaky facts:

Starbucks to Quote God on Coffee Cups -- I’ll have a tall-nonfat-God, with a shot of dogma . . .

Left Behind 3 Opens in Churches Nationwide -- Kirk Cameron rejoices as he can pay the electric bill once more.

Mel Gibson’s New Movie Apocalypto Is in Production – Mel looking more like the Unabomber each day.

Creepy Ipod Spoof – Instead of Ipod, try IGod!

Tom Brokaw Sees Crazy People – See, it ain’t just me!

Furthermore, NBC Has Put Revelations, the Show, On Hiatus – We know too much!

Why Alias Sucks

First a list of why it used to be good:
-Cool CIA theme in a post-9/11 world that was obsessed with the CIA
-It had a half Felcity thing going on with the grad school and friends, lots of candles and wine drinking
-Yummy Michael Vartan
-A pre-Kitchen Confidential Bradley Cooper (who wasn’t yummy then, but somehow turned yummy on his new show, more on that later)
-It had a cool DaVinci Code vibe before the world was DaVinci Code obsessed
-The whole Rambaldi mystery was shaping up to be of epic proportions
-Jennifer Garner did a lot of ass-kicking
-Sexy sex scenes with Vartan and Garner (who were getting in on in real life too)
-Evil Francie (before she was on that awful Summerland).
-It used to end on a cliffhanger every episode and pick up at the same spot in next week’s episode

Why It Sucks Now:
-Michael Vaughn is dead (I know he’s coming back, but that whole ratings stunt sucks)
-No more sexy sex scenes with Vartan and Mrs. Affleck as the new hubby is jealous!
-Sydney now has no friends, no life, no buddies to even hook up with (who knew Will was going to get hot when he left the show?)
-If people want to see a good CIA show now, they watch 24
-They can’t seem to decide if they want a Rambaldi thread or not and they keep dropping the ball (watch Lost to see what it’s like when writers don’t make this shit up as they go along)
-Jennifer Garner has cut down on the ass kicking (even before she was preggers)
-It’s the same freakin’ show every week (starts out on a mission, cut to staff meeting, cut to villain du jour, battle royale, they all live happily ever after)
-How many times can Sydney lose her fiancé before getting freaked out?
-How many times can Sydney, her mother, her sister, Weis,. Vaughn, etc. "fake die" before I stop caring? No more do-overs!
-Stupid Sloane keeps getting in trouble and then acquitted. Really people . . .
-What is Nadia’s deal? I don ‘t think anyone knows what to do with her. She’s the one they should have killed off, and for good.

How to Make It Better:
-Bring Vartan/ Vaughn back ASAP!
-Add some depth and layers back to Syndey’s life. How about a an ass-kicking soccer mom? That might be amusing.
-They are bringing in a new batch of characters (probably to replace Garner on maternity leave). Keep some of them around and give them interesting plots, backstories.
-Plot out this Rambaldi and really milk it into something big
Tune in on Thursday to see if they took any of my suggestions!

Monday Linkage

Here are some links for you to chew on:
Lost Rhapsody:
http://albinoblacksheep.com/flash/lost
Rock, Paper, Scissors 2.0:
http://www.umop.com/rps15.htm
Optical Illusion:
http://www.patmedia.net/marklevinson/cool/cool_illusion.html

I'm Gay Now!

I was glued to this new channel all weekend. We discovered it in our digital cable and it’s called Logo. I think it’s the gay channel because they keep showing guys kissing on it, but it’s awesome. They have been re-running a show that was short lived on Fox a few seasons back, called Wonderfalls. It’s basically Joan of Arcadia but sick and twisted-like. A girl works in a Niagara falls gift shop and the tchotchkes tell her to do bad things. They eventually result in good and the objects may be speaking God’s words, but it’s still wrong in a good way. Why this is on the Logo channel I don’t know, but if because I like it, this means I’m gay, sign me up! Gay must be another word for awesome. My husband probably wouldn’t be too happy about my sudden conversion to the other side of the street, but since he’s been watching it too, maybe he’ll understand. How something so right be wrong? I gotta go -- The Birdcage is about to start!

Why The OC Sucks Now

It was at the second half of last season that my favorite show about snotty teens in California started to decline. Let’s analyze the rise and fall of The OC. First a list of why it used to be good:

-Classic fish-out-of-water story in the tradition of 90210. Brandon = Ryan, Brenda=Seth. Does that make Marissa=Dylan?
-So bad that it was good. There was the obligatory party, complete with wait staff and passed hors d'oeuvres every episode and someone was gonna fall in the pool. And let’s not forget about all the macking. The first episode even had some coke snorting.
-Seth was geeky and hot and listens to cool music (like his obsession with Death Cab for Cutie). He was cute in ways geeks never are, ‘cause let’s face it, no one in my school looked like him -- even the cool guys were uglies compared to my OC boyz.
-Ryan in those sexy wife beaters (they really distracted from his Karl Malden-like nose!)
-The fact that Marissa was a raging alcoholic (Summer to a drunk Seth: “You smell like Marissa!”)
-Summer in the Wonder Woman costume (how did my husband get into my blog?)
-Peter “would you like a schmear” Gallagher. You gotta love an Irish Jew.

Why it sucks now:
-Peter “laying the schmear on too thick” Gallagher. Now he’s channeling Fiddler on the Roof.
-Product placements. Like when Sandy said, “Let me just buy our plane tickets at AA.com!” or when Julie told summer to go watch tv because they have Comcast Digital! Can you at least try to work it into the plot, guys?
-Kirsten became an alcoholic over the course of one episode, entered re-hab in the next, and now has had a multi-episode recovery! She’s spent more time in rehab than drinking. As Sandy Cohen said proudly in season one, “Kirsten loves her Merlot!” Maybe she should talk to Marissa since her alcoholism doesn’t seem to be an issue.
-What happened to Ryan’s baby mama Theresa, Kirsten’s half-sister, Ryan’s mother, Luke, Oliver, Anna, Alex, and a host of other characters that seemed to disappear from the face of the earth once their story arc was over? Can we keep a few characters around to keep it interesting? I’m kinda sick of staring at the same 4 people.
-What happened to Marissa’s lesbian tendencies?
-The writers missed the opportunity for a cool prison scene with Marissa when the murder trial never happened. Where are those lesbian tendencies now, Marissa?
-Is that Vice Principal evil Mr. Belding or what? He’s a villain too lame to hate.
-Seth has no storyline at all, except for chasing evil Mr. Belding.

Here’s a few things that would be cool:
-Bring back Marissa’s sister from boarding school all grown-up and hot-like. She could be a little nasty and stir the pot!
-Have the writers outline an actual plotline, not make it up as they go along.
-Don’t be so goddam serious and issue-y all the time. Look back to the simpler times of Christmukah, when it was absurd and funny without somebody getting raped or murdered.

Now if only baseball would end so we could watch it!

Prepare for the Rapture -- The End is Near

Are you ready for Armageddon? Because it’s coming you know. There have been so many natural disasters this year, it must be in the book of Revelations somewhere. Floods, fires, hurricanes. We even had a 1.5 earthquake north of Boston recently. And now, I see a woman with 16 children talking to Matt Lauer. It can only mean one thing – this woman is amassing an army of the righteous for the final battle. They dress alike, their names all begin with J and they all play the violin. And she’s not stopping at 16 neither – she’s receiving whatever gifts the lord giver her. I hope I’m on the good side because Bird Flu is a coming and then it’s all over – it’ll be just like The Stand (or Lost . . . is there a polar bear plague coming?) Is there a terror alert level for fucked?

10 Reasons Why Lost Rocks

1. Polar Bears – c’mon, who doesn’t love a polar bear?
2. Crazy fans with crazy fan sites – check out 4815162342
3. Sawyer’s uncomfortable dialogue such as “Baby, I'm tied to a tree in the jungle of mystery, I've just been tortured by a damn spinal surgeon and a genuine Iraqi, of course I'm serious,” and all those stupid nicknames he gives to people – Freckles, Sticks, etc.
4. Cool music – Damien Rice and Mama Cass.
5. More freakin’ puzzles to solve than Myst and the Da Vinci Code combined. It’s quite an achievement when TV makes you feel stupid – only PBS has managed that so far.
6. That stupid drive shaft song “You Are Everybody..” Damn things been in my head for months now. Okay, maybe that’s a check in the negative column.
7. The whole epic philosophical debate of fate versus science, Jack versus Locke, black versus white, good versus evil, chocolate versus peanut butter, err, wait . . .
8. Literary references like a Wrinkle in Time, The Third Policeman, and Watership Down. Who needs to read now?
9. Those damn lottery numbers are burned into my brain! I think they might have bumped my phone number off the mental list in my head.
10. Hurley (‘nuf said, he just rocks).

Welcome to Cold Sake

Hello and welcome to Cold Sake, the blog about truth, justice, and pop culture. l’ll be your cruise director, Kiki. Together we’ll rave about what’s good, rant about the bad, and laugh at the plain ugly. Let’s begin!