Chef for Sale

Do you want to purchase a large ginger Italian chef with a penchant for booze, coke, and eating things out of the garbage (source: Heat)? Because there is one on the market. It’s the trendy thing to do. The miniature versions seem to be the most popular -- Martha Stewart just bought a good-luck troll edition (Emeril Lagasse) to bat around like a bored kitten during her daily TV show. Oprah bought two. First, there’s the little Brittish one under the guise of being a charity judge (Jamie Oliver). He comes with his own track jacket, pint, and comedy sayings (Pukka Tukka!). She bought a girl one too, but it’s getting kind of worn out and she may be getting ready to sell soon (Rachael Ray). She’s got her own catch phrases too (Delish! EVOO!) and sidekick (band-geek husband John Cusimano). Mario Batali can be yours too, for the low-low price of a reality show (I’m looking at you, Donald Trump). I myself am saving up for the tall, hard-living kind complete with thumb rings and a 3-pack a day habit (Anthony Bourdain). Though, the semi-drunk, semi-decorating, semi-cook may be semi-fun too (Sandra Lee). Half price.

Amy Poehler is Going to Be an Actual Baby Mama

One addendum to yesterday’s post – it looks like Amy Poehler has some wonderful news of her own that she somehow failed to mentioned on her promotional tour with Tina Fey – she’s got an Arnett in the oven (it's was totes obvs on The View. Wonder why she waited until after opening weekend to confirm). Such great news. They’ve been together a while and it’s about time. This will be one funny kid. I think it’s wonderful how progressive their relationship is. You still don’t see a lot of interracial marriages in Hollywood. I wonder if the baby will look more causcasian like her, or pumpkin like him.

Seriously, Will, cool it with the spray tan! They're going to sell you at a farmer's market if you don't watch it!

This concludes all coverage of Baby Mama.

Baby Mama Boom

This weekend, I made the rare decision to go see a movie during opening weekend (Baby Mama). I though it was good (with the exception of some biological inaccuracies and some stuff that’s a little creepy in retrospect). But, it was better then any Will Ferrel nonsense I’ve seen in a while. Something struck my as interesting while I was watching it – in the movie, Tina Fey plays a V.P. of a Whole Foods-type supermarket chain. She has focused on her career and she is now past her child-bearing prime, which is why she ends up hiring Amy Poehler to be her surrogate. What funny about this is that it reminds me of Baby Boom, in a way. In the 1987 Diane Keaton movie, she plays J.C. Wiatt, who is also vying for partner at an ad agency (whose client is a supermarket, called Food Chain). In Diane Keaton’s case, her character has initially decided against motherhood in favor of career. Through the course of the movie, she inherits a baby (through a very convoluted circumstance) and decides to embrace motherhood and abandon her career. She moves to Vermont, where she eventually creates a line of gourmet baby food. At the end, she is offered a deal to take her Country Baby line national (with all the trappings of success), but she instead decides to stay small and spend time with her child. In Baby Boom, the generation seemed to say “You Can Have it All,” but with some sacrifices. In Baby Mama, her job initially distracted her from reaching her goal of motherhood, but it’s not an issue by the end. She seems to remain the same career girl she was at the beginning. What does this mean for a message? “You can have it all, but just don’t wait too long?” Or am I insane trying to infer a feminist message from a comedy where Amy Poehler wants to spray Pam on her hoo-ha?

Where in the F@$% is Matt Lauer?

It’s that time again, kids. Matt Lauer gets a week away from Meredith rubbing his knee under the console (you cougar!) and will randomly appear somewhere on the planet on Monday morning (after much poor guessing by his colleagues). Where will his travels take him this time? Will he actually go somewhere cool (like the Playboy Mansion)? What that you say, budget cuts (ok, then Joe Francis’s house).

So this is the clue they give us?









He’s totally going to be at Shutters, that hip hotel in L.A. Right? Wow, that's kind of lame. Must be a green thing.

Oh yeah, and happy 100th post to ME!

An Open Letter to Ryan

Ryan, it’s great that you’ve had so much success at such a young age. Going from intern to the corporate offices at Dunder Mifflin? Impressive. But, if you were a bit of a tool in B-school (as is everybody), then you’re a real douchebag now. You’ve got to cool it with the Peruvian marching powder, now. Just say no, like Nancy Reagan told you (oh, maybe you’re a bit young for that). Keep going at this rate, and you’ll get fired. Or be hired to management at a major advertising agency. Either way, it’s up to you.

P.S. If you ever hope to get laid again, you need better wingmen than Michael Scott, Dwight Schrute, and a Hobbit.

Spike Consummates His Relationship with Butternut Squash Soup

If you’ve been watching Top Chef the last few weeks, you may have notices Spike’s budding romance with Butternut Squash Soup. During a team challenge 2 weeks ago, his teammates talked him down from the soup, but not before he said “Butternut Squash Soup” like 9,000 times. It was clearly crazy, yet unrequited love. Well, last night Spike and his soup went all the way, with the theme of "Yellow Love Vanilla," no less. In the hazy afterglow of their love, he almost won the challenge with his partner, Andrew, but alas, Richard and Dale stole the top spot with "Green Perplexed Tofu". What’s next for Spike? Will he stay true to his Squash or will his attention stray now that he has made his conquest? Tune in next week for the Microwave-only challenge (Mark Bittman, eat your heart out!)

P.S. Here is the recipe for Squash Soup with Vanilla Crème Fraiche.

Memories of American Idol

I am absolutely raring to go today after attending a local food festival last night, which goal seemed to be how many Styrofoam plates you can use, on Earth Day, no less. Anyway, I find that before any episode of Idol, it helps to watch Entertainment Weekly’s Idolatry. The theme last night was Andrew Lloyd Webber, who is your sorta genius but definitely goofy uncle from England. Idolatry picked so many good song choices for the idols, and Carly seemed to be the only one to end up singing their smart choices (and that was only because Webber told her she absolutely had to sing Superstar instead of All I Ask of You. Duh. Here’s the breakdown:

-Syesha suddenly came alive last night with a saucy rendition of "One Rock & Roll Too Many" from "Starlight Express," sans rollerskates. Where has this Syesha been all this time? She finally wasn’t boring!

-Spicoli, uh, I mean Jason Castro butchered “Memory” from Cats. There’s so many ways this went wrong. First, it was the wrong song for him as he’s not a “Glamourpuss” as Webber said. Second, he could have made the arrangement stoner-ific with a nice bongo backbeat and make it sound like something he may actually sing. Bad, bad, bad. It was the longest two minutes, as Simon said.

-Oh, Brooke, Brooke, Brooke. You tried to best Madonna with “You Must Love Me" from Evita. First, Sir Webber can tell you have no freakin’ clue what the song is about. Then, you were trying so hard to act emotional YOU FORGOT THE WORDS. And Madonna came across as a better singer. Do you know how impossible that is?

-My little Mogwai, David Archuleta, rocked the house with "Think of Me" from Phantom. It was smooth, dramatic, and a bit popped-up. I have a new respect for the little man with the big voice. Well done!

-Carly Smithson wisely took Webber’s advice, as I mentioned, and did a killer “Superstar” from Jesus Christ Superstar. It was the perfect song for her after all and she finally looked comfortable in her own tattooed skin. I hope she sticks around now.

-Finally, David Cook, or Daughtry-in-a-Wig, did an awesomely understated "Music of the Night" from Phantom. It was slightly goth and his voice had a little rock tinge, but it wasn’t some crazy Soundgarden arrangement. It was classic and subtle. I was afraid he was going to get predictable, just as he was getting good. Folks, we have a winner.

So, aud wiedersehen Brooke. And then, there were 5.

The Theremin Show

Daily Candy introduced me to Japan Trend Shop, which seems to be a collection of the cute or bizarre, such as a Knee Lap Pillow or Heart Shape Cucumber Mold. By far the strangest, however is Matryomin Theremin in Matryoshka. I almost had to diagram this sentence to figure out what this was (with the demonstration video, below, just confusing me more). Accoridng to Wikipedia, a Theremin is an electronic musical instrument that you play without touching. Instead, you wave your hands over two antennas, one for frequency and one for volume. A Matryomin is specific version of the Theremin and a Matryoska is a russian nesting doll, that holds all the fun, in this instance. For $599, the meoldic screech of this doll can be yours! That is, unless you’re saving for a Hello Kitty Grand Piano!

The Multi-talented Bonnie Somerville

So, I’m making an awesome playlist for The Hubby, and I’m searching Itunes for ’03 Bonnie and Clyde by newlyweds Jay-Z and Beyonce. Alas, my Itunes comes up short (apparently I do not have that song), but a search for Bonnie turns up Winding Road by Bonnie Somerville. Bonnie Somerville? You mean that blonde chick that plays Rachel (Sandy Cohen’s cougar-in-training colleague on the O.C.? The sometimes lesbian from Cashmere Mafia? Who sang backup for Terri Hatcher on Idol Gives Back as part of Band from TV? Yep, apparently she and Zack Braff were dating and included her song on the Garden State soundtrack. It’s a song I’ve always liked, but never gave a second thought to the artist. So, let’s include her in the playlist for the kitsch value. Now what happens if I search for Clyde?

Rant: CW is an Asshat

I read an article today on how The CW Network is pulling free episodes of Gossip Girl off of it’s own website, for they fear it is canabalizing their TV business. Now, I don’t have time in my jam-packed TV schedule for the OC in NYC, but this story did boil my sake. Apparently, the CW believes by pulling it offline, more people will watch it on TV. How long will it take for these networks to understand how young people view media? Times and habits are changing and these companies always seem so slow to adapt. If it’s bigger online that on TV, put it off TV, throw it online with commercials, and let people watch it there! The same thing happened ten years ago when music companies were freaking out about how people were getting music online, free. Well, it seems they backed off and now everyone is enjoying the fruits of Itunes’ labor. I had also heard that the Neilsen Rartings were unable to take accurate pictures of homes with Digital Cable boxes. I hope to God that problem has been resolved, because the only people I know without digital cable are old people and separatists and I don’t want either one of them influencing what I watch on TV. So, media conglomerates, time to get with the program and let me watch, listen, and read stuff how I want to, when I want it. You figure out how to make money on it – that’s why they pay you the big bucks. I’m just here to watch.

I Hope I Have a Baby This Cool Someday

CAN'T TELL HIM NOTHING!!! from kwest on Vimeo.

Whose Bunny Are You?

This preview for the new Anna Farris movie House Bunny, looks hilarious. Farris plays an old (27) bunny, unceremoniously booted from the Playboy Mansion. I often wondered what happens to these girls when Hef gets bored with them. My favorite line in the trailer (below)? “This is not a brothel!” “That’s okay, I don’t like soup.”

And check out McFever in her first major role!

Thursday Linkage: Numbers Edition

• Could it be possible that Jennie Garth is the first official original cast member to return to 90210? Can you say this is the most buzzed about show, without being in production?

• FunnyorDie.com (or as The Hubby once called it, "Funny Ordie") turns 1. And I'm happy to report that Pearl has hair now.

• Mad Libs are 50. Let the (adjective) jokes ensue!

Idols Can’t Carey a Tune

I was insanely disappointed in American Idol last night. It was Mariah Carey night and I expected a little bit of gospel hands, notes only dogs can hear and pitch problems galore (in a fun way). What I got instead was a snooze factory. With the exception of David Cook’s creative emo version of Always Be My Baby, everything else was drip, drip, drippy. They all chose ballads, some know, like Hero and I Don’t Wanna Cry, and I bunch I had never heard off (not being a hardcore Carey fan). It was all pulse-less, safe and downbeat. No one celebrated the peppy, poppy side of Mariah with hits like Heartbreaker, Dreamlover, Fantasy, Emotions, and Honey. Are the saving all those for a group melody tonight? If so, that’s a total waste. And, if you are going to slow it down, why ignore her best songs like We Belong Together or Vision of Love and really work it? I know D. Cook is predictable because he always does an emo arrangement, but it’s always interesting, and he doesn’t steal arrangements like Daughtry did; he owns up that it’s a Chris Cornell version, for example. So, come on Top 6, show me what you got next week!

Mon Chi Chi Chuleta

Brothers from a Different Mamma

Another Taxing Episode of DWTS

Now that your taxes are done, let’s discuss last night’s Dancing with the Stars:
-Mario was pretty good this week. Wow, and he’s friends with Stevie Wonder. Stevie should come sit in the audience next time (oh please, if you think that’s bad, you don’t want to hear what The Hubby said).
-Priscilla Presley’s face seems to be softening up (and her outfit was more age appropriate, though The Hubby said it looks like she got caught in a spangled fish net), but she still needs to go home. Maybe she can go teach those “expression” classes Carrie Ann suggested (I almost fell over when she said that last week)
-Marlee Matlin is surprisingly good as always. Hell, Stevie Wonder should dance next season!
-I think Bruno was secretly insulting the dancers last night: He said Marissa Jaret Winokur was “bouncing like a beachball” (are you calling me fat?) and Kristi Yamaguchi was a “pearl of the South Pacific” (umm, she’s from California, racist).
- Shannon Elizabeth is the new curse of DWTS. First, Derek has a neck injury, now food poisoning? That seems to happen a lot on that show. Maybe it’s time to look into a new caterer?
-I’d be at peace if Christian de la Fuente left soon. Sorry Cheryl.
-Oh, and we miss you still, Guttes.

I’ll have to find out who got booted tomorrow morning as I’m dropping tonight’s elimination show with Douchie Blunt in favor of the season finale of the Biggest Loser (who needs to watch the whole season when all we want to see is the before and after, am I right?), American Idol, and Big Bro (finally some sweet relief next Tuesday!)

But Here’s Some Crap I Was Right About:

-Julia Child is Having a Comeback – Also see this week’s issue of Entertainment Weekly; The Food Network’s Chefography series. Oh, and then there’s that movie where Meryl Streep plays her . . .
-Kriti Yamagucci does rock DWTS – She is being called this season’s ringer. And is her best competition? Jason Taylor!
-Hannah Zuckerman Velasquez is going to be on the 90210 spinoff! Just a cameo, but still!
-Duffy is the new Winehouse (okay, maybe I didn’t say it outright, but I thought it).

Anything else you want to challenge me about?

I Stand Corrected

A few weeks back, I posted about how Seal and Heidi Klum’s stock rose exponentially since they got together. Well, maybe publicity and opportunity-wise, but it doesn’t necessarily translate into sales figures when superstars get hitched. An article I read wondered if Beyonce and Jay-Z would have a post wedding slump as seen by couples such as J-Lo and Marc Anthony, and Kelis and Nas. I don’t know if those are good examples, though, or if there is even a correlation from their relationship to their sales. What about the fact that they’re just crappy albums by four people? The article also mentions that Faith Hill and Tim McGraw did see a post-wedding bump (of the sales variety), so who knows. What I do know is Jigga and B better prepare to file jointly next year. That reminds me, gotta go.

Band from TV

All right, one more for today (I know, I know, I’m late for work, but this has been weighing heavily on my mind). What I want to know is, who was the backup band supporting the atrocious vocals of Terri Hatcher the other night during “Before He Cheats” on Idol Gives Back? Why, it was none other than Band from TV. I know you all saw Mike Delfino on the ax, but did you notice Greg Grunberg from Heroes on the drums, Hugh Laurie (House) on keyboard, Jesse Spencer (House) on the violin and Bob Guiney (The Bachelor) and Bonnie Somerville from Cashmere Mafia on backup vocals? There are some real musicians mixed in there too, but no one famous, as far as I know. They apparently formed to support charity. Is their first act of charity letting Hatcher sing? Eeeek.

The Journeyman Returns!

Don’t get too excited. One of the best shows of the 2007-2008 TV season is still cancelled (Journeyman, that is). But, that doesn’t mean The Journeyman himself hasn’t discovered Craig’s List. See this post from Santa Barbara (hmm, rather close to Journeyman’s homebase of San Fran, wouldn’t you say?) requesting pre-1965 paper currency for time travel purposes. I think 5% exchange rate is pretty fair, don’t you? Why pre-1965 currency, though? Did nothing cool happen in the 70’s and 80’s that he’s want to see? Also, how far back does he want to go? What is the time machine malfunctions and he winds up in 1855, a la Marty McFly? I think he should go for a few different batches, including gold pieces, just in case. Oh, and it looks like it was posted last fall. It’s not too late, I hope!

Best One Syllable Videos. Ever.

What?

Hey!

No!

Oh

That’s Where I Know Her From: Lost Edition

As I mentioned in the past, I’ve been deep into classic 90210 lately. It’s been quite dramatic – Dylan and Kelly are not getting along anymore, The Chancellor’s daughter, Claire, is stalking Brandon with her jailbait, Andrea is 20 months pregnant like an elephant, and Brenda is competing against Laura (a real See You Next Tuesday) for the part of Maggie the Cat in the C.U. play. It’s been driving me crazy where I know psycho Laura from (she just asked Steve to pull a Tonya Harding and break Brenda’s finger so she would move from understudy to lead. A finger! Ouch!) Well, everywhere is the answer. She has been everything from Carrie Brady on Days of Our Lives to every procedural drama on television (CSI, Cold Case, Law and Order), but what I know her from is Lost. That’s right, Lost. She played Bonnie, guard of the underwater Looking Glass Station, in the episode where Charlie meets his maker (Not Penny’s Boat!). So, if you have a Tracey Middendorf craving when she’s not being an evil Other on Lost, or Taking Back the Night on 90210, just change the channel. She has to be on somewhere!

Chris Young and I Are in Blogger Love

I got a thrill and a half yesterday. I was wasting time with my blog, as usual, and decided to see if I had received any comments from someone other than The Hubby. Well, to my surprise, I got a comment. On the Chris Young post I did. From Chris Young. Let me tell you – this is my blog’s first touch with greatness. I have not seen the other two bozo’s from teenage bedroom wall (C.D. Barnes and Wil Wheaton – I’m talking to you), extend any love, so Chris Young is now my new favorite celebrity. Chris must have been Googlin’ himself again (Chris, you know that causes blindness!) and found little ol’ Kiks and her ice cold sake. I realized I have to try this again. So look for posts about Bradd Pitt, Christian Bale, Adam Levine, and Michael Vartan. Who am I missing? Oh, Adam Brody from the O.C. (who kinda looks like C.D. I am suddenly seeing a skinny nerd pattern. Hmm.) Wow, maybe I should post a phone number on my blog too, just in case. Oh wait, The Hubby is my only regular reader? Hi honey!

Tuesday Linkage

Yeah, I’m still sore from rehearsing my Paso Doble last night, so I’m going to phone it in with some links instead:

• Almost as good as getting traded for a hot-dog eater – Tops releases Japanese rookie baseball card. Joke’s on you as player is actually a NYU Law student
  
• Recentally, I was the victim of a violent internet crime, called a Rick Roll. Click here to make sure it doesn’t happen to you
  
• Do you have your NKOTB tickets? Sigh, if only The Jets would open for them, my life would be complete.

What’s with All the Man Tears?

What is up with Big Brother? So far, all the men are crying like babies, even more than the women. This was supposed to be Big Brother: Couples. I expected mucho hooking up and more night vision camera usage on BB: After Dark on Showtime, with the men on their “A” games, trying to seduce all the women. So far, all we’ve got is a little bit of unenthusiastic kissing (Matty trying to scam Sharon and James and Chelsia drunkenly rolling around), a half-hearted knobber (Natty and Matty), and a whole lot of crying by the men. Josh, Matty, and James (who sobbed uncontrollably last night) have all had their moments of ocular wetness, and even A-Baller’s Shrek-like eyes got all moist and his big ugly mug started to quiver. Ryan’s the only one who hasn’t become a hormonal mess (maybe all the guys are cycling together?). Come on guys -- there’s 3 women left and 3 of you – pull it together. Chicks don’t dig gratuitous man tears. Maybe they should retitle this season Big Brother 9: Crying Bitches. The big twist: they’ve run out of tissues (dump da dum)!

Hollywood Comes to Burlington, MA

It’s Christmas at The Burlington Mall! Yesterday, my mom and I made a trip to the Burlington Mall to do a little spring shopping. And what to our wondering eyes should appear, but a Santa’s Village and wreaths galore! A sign explained that we were on the set of “Untitled Kevin James Comedy.” My sake-senses are tingling and telling me that perhaps this is movie about Christmas. In a mall. Oh, and an empty storefront was transformed to Garden State Savings Bank, so my guess is it’s set in New Jersey. My detective skills are getting so good. Anyway, as confused children looked around for an erstwhile Santa, hordes of bored shoppers crowded Williams & Sonoma for a glimpse of the King of Queens, camera phones held high. It’s funny how a movie set can transform anyone into a superfan. A woman leaned over to my mother and gushed “I hope I see Kevin James. I love King of Queens and watch it every night.” “Oh, me too,” said my mother enthusiastically, while I looked on, unsure my mother even knew what that show was. A little brush with fame and it goes right to her head. Sheesh. On that note, I’m currently on Craig’s List seeing if they need any extra PAs.

990 Channels and Nothing On

Today is a sad day: there is no good TV on tonight. My DVR is empty and lonely. Lost is taking a break until May, The Office doesn’t premiere until next week. Eli Stone and I decided to break up because it wasn’t working out (he got a little boring). Earl and I never really hit it off. I don’t think I “do” re-runs” anymore because there is precious little time in this world. I have some moldy old episodes of Lipstick Jungle I never got to. That might be my only resort. I can’t believe I blew through two and a half hours of Dancing with the Stars, an hour and a half of American Idol, two hours of Big Brother, and whatever I could squeeze in of the Biggest Loser since Monday. Oh, wait, I think there’s a new episode of Medium kicking around in there somewhere. I bet Allison Dubois knew that (she’s psychic after all). So what are you watching tonight?

Miley’s Emo Secret

Did you know that Miley Cyrus has a secret emo brother? One of the DJs on Sirius radio tipped me off. Trace Cyrus is in the band Metro Station. He apparently met one of his bandmates on the set of Hannah Montana (that’s so hardcore). Their song Shake It is now getting some serious airplay (and I’ve actually heard worse). This must be what happens when you grow out of Disney. Remember kids – Miley Cyrus is NOT punk rock.

P.S. I was going to post a video for you, but all I could find was little emo kids mugging for the camera on Youtube. I'll spare you.

Save the Drama for Your Baby Mama

I saw the commercial for the new Tina Fey buddy movie with Amy Poehler, Baby Mama. The preview looks pretty funny and Tina Fey always delivers quality, so I am thinking I might want to see it. Being the progressive gal that I am, it took a bit to dawn on me that we don’t often see a female buddy comedy. It’s been awhile. I suppose Thelma and Louise is one example, but that’s not a wacky comedy and it’s from so long ago. Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion (we’ll have the ‘business women’s lunch’. To gooooo.”) probably didn’t get the credit it deserved for being ground breaking because it was so bizarre (though hilarious). Other recent examples are Sex and the City (of course) Waitress, and Miss Pettirgew Lives for a Day, but it’s hurting my brain trying to come up with examples. There are lots of funny chicks out there right now, many of whom can hold their own against their leading men. How come someone hasn’t written a buddy movie for Amy Adams and Isla Fischer as two red-headed sisters? I already get them confused as it is. It’s 2008, people. We want girlie comedies. Amy Sedaris, Wanda Sykes, and Drew Barrymore, I’m talking to you. Go write something already. Or maybe I should. Gotta go . . .

Oh, and here's the preview:

Neil Patrick Harris and his White Castle Comeback

Wasn’t last night’s Britney-less episode of How I Met Your Mother fantastic last night? Neil Patrick Harris’s impression of a blind man should earn him both an Emmy and a slap upside the head. And, the end of the show spoofed the ending of every Doogie Howser epsidoe, where Doogs would sign of by writing in his computer journal (sub in Barney’s blog, the computer journal of the new millennium). The ending, along with a preview of his new film, Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay, reminded me how far NPH has come since his Doogie days. Yeah, Starship Troopers gave him some cred, but it wasn’t until Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle that he broke through again. In his role as "Neil Patrick Harris", he was closer to Barney than to Doogie, all strippers and coke. That role paved the way for us to let go of goodie-goodie Doogie and embrace a darker, funnier NPH, who’s not afraid to send up the public’s image of him. It made me realize that Harold and Kumar is to NPH what Pulp Fiction was to John Travolta – a come back, yet a self destruction of his good-guy persona, which offered a freedom for future darker roles (Face/Off and Battlefield Earth, thank Xenu). So, who is the real NPH? Is it Dr. Doogie, Barney Stinson, or somewhere in between? Let me think about it while I write in my journal.