Great White Sighting Leaves Me Scared Poopless

Happy birthday to my sister Elisa. It’s her birthday today and I have to thank her for something – my crippling fear of sharks. Yes, that’s right. She made me fear sharks. Against my parents better judgment, they let 3 year old me watch Jaws (it was a different time, I guess, where you let toddlers watch horror movies). My older sister picked up on the fact that I was scared sh*tless and used that movie as a torture device for years to come. She would chase me with the TV Guide whenever there was an ad for it in the small, black and white movie listings (yes, it was that bad). As I got older, the fear stayed with me. My parents took me to see Empire Strikes Back at the movies (probably a more appropriate choice) when I was a little older. There was an enormous cutout of Jaws 3-D in the lobby. I promptly covered my head with my jacket and walked into the cutout (I want to faint now just remembering). From that moment on, I could not walk into a Blockbuster without carefully avoiding the horror section (thank you Netflix!) Yes, I still jump and go into a cold sweat today when I see any of the 4 movie posters. I’ve seen all the films now many, many times (I can decide if 3-D or 4: The Revenge is more craptastic). I explain I can handle it if I know it’s coming. So, imagine my horror when I saw the news today -- Shark is Reported Off Martha's Vineyard. Not just any shark – a great white shark. In the same location the movie was filmed (the beach in the opening sequence!). This is a big freakin’ deal as despite what Mr. Spielberg showed, there are not supposed to be great white sharks off the coast of Massachusetts. They have closed the beaches and it’s all strangely reminiscent of the film. Here’s the kicker – my sister leaves for Cape Cod tomorrow (a hop, skip and a jump from the Vineyard). Swimming distances for big, hairy sharks. She has invited me to come stay with her for a few days. Needless to say, I am not going to visit her anytime soon! I think I’ll hide in an empty bathtub. With the drain plugged.

P.S. (Notice there are no pictures or IMDB links for this post – are you crazy?)