Dancing with the Stars Recap

Okay, now that we’ve had a chance to see what these stars can do, here’s a run down of my initial thoughts:

Adam Carolla – It was worse than I thoughts. At least he wasn’t sitting in a chair, like Tucker Carlson, but he is a monster. A stiff monster.

Cristian de la Fuente - If he can stop saying how awesome he is for five minute, he may actually have something. He’s definitely in love – with himself.

Shannon Elizabeth - Not terrible. She’s got the Stacy Keibler legs going on which are a good distraction technique, as one of the judges pointed out.

Steve Guttenberg - The Guttes! He may have actually learned his dance moves from Johhny 5. That guy, he’s all class (and so excited to be on TV that Samantha Harris could not shut him up). Oh, and is that a new hairpiece, Steve?

Mario – It’s confusing to keep saying Mario and Karina (because my mind jumps to Lopez). So, he is herein to be known as Luigi. Yeah, so that Luigi is a very good dancer (the male ringer of this season). Top 2.

Marlee Matlin - She did surprisingly well and better than some of her better hearing counterparts. It’s going to be hard to make sure she’s being judged fairly, even though the judges promised to hold her to the same standards. She probably falls mid-pack.

Penn Jillette Hmm, was he worse than Adam Carolla? It’s hard to say. Judge Carrie Ann InAHHBAAA was even like “look at those feet.” That’s not nice, Carrie Ann. But he is a “sasquatch” (his words, people, not mine).

Priscilla Presley -- Oy. She . . .looks . . .weird. She has no expression in her face. She better not try to speak to Marlee Matlin because there’s no reading those lips. Maybe Louis van Amstel Light will be so good he can camouflage Gothy Grammys glass face.

Monica Seles - OMG! It’s Celine Dion’s tennis playing sister. Her uptight sister, that is. Loosen up, girlfriend.

Jason Taylor - He and Luigi need to battle it out for top male. He’s surprisingly good (those football players, ladies. I wonder if Tom Brady can dance that well!) And easy on the eyes.

Marissa Jaret Winokur - Okay, she needs to take it down a notch. SERIOUSLY. She’s not as good as I had hoped either (and Tony Dovolani is so damn good it’s obvs). It’ll be interesting to see what he’s got to work with. And, he really did look like a human oil slick.

Kristi Yamaguchi - Herein known as "The Guch," not to be confused with "The Guttes." I was correct in saying she’s the best. I would double down right now (if I had any money to bet). All that “Oh, dancing is so technical. It’s so hard!” Blah, blah, blah. She’s the female ringer. It was like watching PBS. Game over.

And, is it just me, or is American Idol wicked boring this year? In the words of Simon “if I’m being honest.”