Food Network High

During a lazy marathon of the Food Network this weekend, I has a realization: The Food Network is like a high school. All of their chef/ cooks remind me of people better suited to the walls of Culinary High. For example, Giada De Laurentiis is definitely the goody-goody, Student Body President. She would slap you for getting to fresh with her at the Homecoming Dance. Nigella Lawson, on the otherhand, is Rizzo to her Sandy. Nigella won’t smack you, she’ll probably take behind the bleachers, and, well, you know. Anthony Bourdain, Guy Fieri, and the Ace of Cakes are the bad boys of shop class, smoking behind the field house. Bobby Flay is captain of the football team (big and kind of an asshole), Tyler Florence is head of the Lacrosse team (still big, but a little nicer and smarter). Mario Batali is captain of the wrestling team, Jamie Oliver plays soccer is is also on the student senate. Emeril is the chubby best friend sidekick, while Rachel Ray is the annoying girl that follows you in the hallway and won’t shut up. Iron Chef Morimoto is rather quiet as he’s the foreign exchange student. Then, there’s the faculty. Paula Deen is the lazy gym teacher, Ina Garten is the home-ec teacher we all love, and Alton Brown is definitely the science teacher. Wolfgang Puck is that weird foreign language teacher (but you’re never sure which language he teaches). Oh, and we can’t forget about Semi-Homeade’s Sandra Lee, class lush. Yeah, she definitely gets drunk in the bathroom during periods by keeping vodka in her hairspray bottle. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for class.