Kiki’s Predictions for the New Season of Dancing With the Stars

Happy St. Patrick’s Day to all! Not only do I get to be Irish for today, but Dancing with the Stars premieres tonight (and my DVR is having that crisis I mentioned. So long, Biggest Loser. See you on On Demand, Big Brother). To help you get ready, here’s my run down of the contestants and my predictions:

Adam Carolla – Jimmy Kimmel joked “last year they had a contestant with one leg – now they have one with one eyebrow.” I’ve never seen Frankenstein ballroom dance before, so my hopes are not great for Carolla (fire bad!). Julianne Hough is his partner and I can't help but wonder if they’re handicapping her due to her past victories, a la Cheryl Burke and Wayne Newton. Here’s hoping Carolla can at least dance better than Tucker Carlson and puts more effort into it than Master P.

Cristian de la Fuente – Who? I guess he’s an actor and I’ve never heard of him. But, that won’t stop me as Helio Castroneves was unknown to me before this show and went on to victory. Plus, Cheryl Burke is his partner, so unless he’s truly awful, they have a chance.

Shannon Elizabeth – I’ve always though the American Pie actress pretty but gawky and not the picture of grace as her partner, Derek Hough’s last partner, Jennie Garth . So, I’m expecting Josie Maran type, who didn’t make it past round one last season. Nice knowing you, Shannon.

Steve Guttenberg – The Guttes is back! It’s been so long – we’ve missed you! I expect the picture of class from the Guttes, and his partner Anna Trebunskaya (or at least something unintentionally funny). Will Johnny 5 come to cheer on the Guttes? Number 5 is alive!

Mario – Umm, Mario, why are you on DWTS? Don’t you still have a huge R&B career to attend to? Oh, it’s been a few years, you say? Well, god luck. With Karina Smirnoff as your partner and your role in Step Up , we expect a lot from you, in a Joey McIntyre kind of way. Please don’t disappoint. (ed note: If you Wikipedia Mario, you get the videogame character. Not cool).

Marlee Matlin – Ok, I don’t want to sound rude, but, can she, ah, hear the music? Hell, if Heather Mills can do it well with one leg, let’s see what Marlee can do. Also, Fabian Sanchez is her professional partner, but he’s new so I don’t know him yet (we miss you Maksim).

Penn Jillette -- Why does poor Kym Johnson get stuck with all the doofuses (my apologies to Joey Fatone as he’s much less of a doofus than Jerry Springer or Mark Cuban)? Maybe Jilette can do some magic and make us all think he’s a really good dancer (I predict some shenanigans with Teller being silent and creepy on the sidelines this year).

Priscilla Presley -- Let’s clear the air – girlfriend has seen better days. It’s not her age per se – it’s all the weird plastic surgery. Her partner Louis van Amstel did wonders for Lisa Rinna so who knows. Just please, please, please don’t dance to any Elvis songs.

Monica Seles -- I really don’t know what to make of her. Though many athletes have done well on this show, her partner Jonathan Roberts is no Tony Dovolani . I do predict a lot of grunting from Monica, though.

Jason Taylor – Football players always do awesome on this show (see Emmit Smith and Jerry Rice) and Taylor will partner with the lovely Edyta Sliwinska. I smell third place!

Marissa Jaret Winokur -- Winokur has Broadway (Hairspray on Broadway), chubbiness (see Sabrina Bryan), and Tony Dovolani . I smell second!

Kristi Yamaguchi – Finally, the grand damme of the cast, The Yamaguchi. When I was a figure skating dork in high school, she amazed by beating the pants off of Nancy Kerrigan for an upset win in the ’92 Olympics (and taking the focus off of the whole Tonya Harding fiasco). The Yamaguchi has the grace of a figure skater and an eager young partner in Mark Ballas . Hmmm, do I smell victory and the first female DWTS winner since season 1? Tune in tonight to find out! Now, excuse me while I drink some green beer.